Today I joined a webinar with Jay Shetty in the hopes of finding the top secret to living my best life and finding balance.  You know who he is, right?  The popular Facebook influencer who used to be a Monk and has since taken to making inspirational and jaw-dropping videos on how to live your best life (he has 17 million followers across the globe).  The webinar was “How to Design Your Best Life”.  Who doesn’t want to design their best life, right? 

I was given a worksheet to download where it asked me to rate/”audit” my life in the following categories: Personal, Work/Finance, Family/Friends, Health, Spirituality.  Looking at this chart that was set-up like a ruler from 0-10, I was dumbfounded.  I couldn’t even see myself in any category higher than a 5.  I’m sitting here as I type this and I’m staring back and forth from this “Life Audit” form and this writing and it makes me anxious.  It makes me so anxious I can’t even follow the simple request to pick a number at which I feel I sit in each category. 

Let me also inform you that to start this wonderful day, I slept through 4 alarms, clients calling, dogs barking, and I left 3 clients sitting out front of my house waiting to train at 5:15 in the morning.  I then double-booked the rest of my morning with another client, the Jay Shetty webinar and a video chat call with a friend and her sons in Idaho.  Clearly, my morning was complete shit!  So, naturally, I instantly felt hopeless.  How can I possibly make changes to each of these categories in a timely manner before I mess someone, something or all of it up?  How can I just choose one to improve on?  How can I find this work-life/mom-life/life BALANCE?  How can my answers be so low?  The negative self-talk came down like a mudslide of “failure”, “loser”, “you’re not fit for motherhood”, “you’re a horrible wife”, “an absent friend”, “you need to start adding financially to this family”, “you need to tone your body”, “you need more meditation”… How? I have no time, or time alone I should say.  The “words”, the drag kept weighing on my chest, shoulders and ego, and the whole time my mind is blasting off, the guy (you know, super influential Jay) was still talking and staring at me with his big green eyes and handsome face.  And my thought, “You’re just good at what you do because you’re a good looking, young man with an extremely impressive resume!”.  Literally, within 60-seconds of my life I tore everything apart and tried to reflect it upon the single first person I saw (sorry, Jay Shetty).  NOT my most proud 60-seconds.  I took a deep breath and I realized that I should probably start listening to this influencer since I obviously don’t have a single idea how to do this balance thing to design my best life.  So, I tune in…

The categories: Personal, Work/Finance, Family/Friends, Health, Spirituality are ringing through my head as I do a multi-task-like listen.  And say, WHAT?!  Now I must choose just one to improve on?  How can I seriously just choose one?  And before my brain can entirely take over with self-doubt, I hear the man say something like, “When we are focusing on each of these at the same time they all become small priority.  We must choose one at a time to make the most progress.”

So, in between my kids screaming, fighting, asking for snacks and shows, and my soul, I try to narrow down which category(s) needs the most attention first.  Initially, I think “FAMILY, DUH!”.  How could I pick anything other than family first?  And then I realize, that’s all I have going on, all the time, but I’m not always focused or patient, or good at it.  And, yes, my marriage needs attention and I want to be a better wife and a better, more patient, calm, loving mother.  And who doesn’t want to make more time for friends?  I’ll start there?  Uuuggghhh!  OH!  I GOT IT!  FINANCES!  I’ll be a better wife and a more supporting mother if I can bring in more finances to relieve any financial stress, or to be able to do more on our new property, or be able to pay for a sitter more often so that I can be that better, more present wife, and more patient mother…  And I continue to look at the list of categories and think, well, maybe if I just felt better, if I got all the hardcore exercise I so desperately need for my soul and my anxiety, and I eat better so that my whole family is floating on cloud-9 due to the adaptogens and serotonin leaking from our kale salads…  Then YES, I’d be a better wife, mother, and a better health and wellness business to bring in that extra cash flow.  So obviously, I must start with Health.  But, what the hell is PERSONAL?  That word doesn’t even make sense to me anymore, so maybe, (uuhhh) I MUST start there!  That would probably give me the time to get those workouts in and all the jazz of stress relief and self-care.  OMG, may even get a bath once a month in complete silence.  If I take the Personal route I can really start to be inspirational and whole.  I’d have tons of self-love so that I could combat #firstworldproblems with my joyous love of life!  That’s it!  I’ll start there…

I look at that list again to go over my low-grade decision and realize that I’ve continuously overlooked SPIRITUALITY.  Maybe because I feel I have “it” to the degree it’s necessary, or maybe because it was simply listed last.  I don’t know…  Maybe because the word “SPIRITUALITY” can be so undefined that I choose to just roll with “it” and make up my own.   My youth as a Catholic school girl, living in a divorced family, going to N/A meetings and A/A meetings with the folks (If you go to those meetings, don’t stop!) led to confusion, anger and loss of respect for all “religions”.   Although, to be spiritual, to live a spiritual life and not in a religion is something some may feel is controversial.  I strongly believe it takes spirituality to find the light within and the light within everything and everyone else.  I struggled for so long thinking they were tied together, that one could not be spiritual without being religious.  It took many years of hardship and being lost to find that I don’t need a religion to be spiritual.  I mean, a religion is a belief, whereas spirituality is a quality.  I’d rather BE what I believe, than just have a “belief”.

So, then I reread my ongoing checklist and realize that nothing, not one of these things can really come together without SPIRITUALITY.  I must trust in God and follow.  I must find a healthy place for worry, fear and the dark side of my ego before I can even fathom managing the Personal, Finance, Family/Friends, or Health.  I need to trust in that power greater than myself (yes, God) to guide me in the right direction so that I can take the path I’m meant to follow.  Trusting that money will flow, relationships will grow, and my health will start to show (sorry, I had to keep going with the rhyme there).   I must start with spirituality. 

Ok, ok!  If you’re still reading, then you’re not totally scared away with me naming “God”, or bored with my new-found quest for better spirituality.  Which means, you’re probably figuring this is relatable, or maybe at worst, you find this comical and annoying.  Eh, maybe you’re just waiting for the end of a story, either way, you’re still reading.  

So, what’s next?  The Life Audit asks to write down three things I need to debit from my life to work on to make this work (at this point, I know, it’s Spirituality I’m going with). What can I take away from my life to bring me to a greater place with spirituality?

Then I need to credit three things into my life that will assist in the process. 

And then GRATITUDE.  Write three things I am grateful for! 

Easy-peasy now, right?   I finally have the blueprint for STEP 1 towards figuring out how to live my best life and find that balance.  And just like that, I feel accomplished for the day! Like I succeeded at figuring out the next big thing to be a better human being!

I am in no way ready to fully expose my previously mentioned list of 9 (debits, credits, gratitude) that is due for this webinar’s exercise.  Frankly, this would be too long of a reading, but I assume removing/debiting negative self-talk will be one of them.  I’ll follow-up with you throughout the process.  Stay tuned.  I know you’re super excited to follow the story.

Until then, What’s YOUR first choice??  What would be your first choice Life Audit?  Comments welcomed!

Disclaimer:  I had extremely high emotions running due to PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) when this occurred.  Not to worry, my neurotic behaviors have since calmed down.  It must’ve been my new-found spirituality quest, or the fact my period has arrived {hands in the air emoji}.